As If…

Breathe, I tell myself: in, out, in out.
But it doesn’t work.
My jaw tightens and I scream…

on the inside.

It’s been years in the making, two and half to be exact.

April 2014.

I spin around forcing my body to shake it off:
the frustration,
the jealousy,
dark thoughts 

of inadequacy.

But it sticks to me:
a gooey,
stretchy film
of
disappointment

awakening at the sight of–

at the sound of–

Just grin and bare it,
I tell myself.

So I fain excitement;
act as if I am
and
maybe
I
will
be.

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